Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.