Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
There is no “we” in pizza
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.