Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.