11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Word!
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE