Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me buying fruit and veg
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.