just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
You Might Also Like
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Sticker placement is key.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.