god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
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[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
scares
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern