We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
so i’m at the stock market right
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.