Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose