Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
get you a girl who
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Breaking news:
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.