If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours