Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
You Might Also Like
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
The sacred texts.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man