i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.