This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
You Might Also Like
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Banana is the quietest snack
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I hope this email finds you in a well
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.