20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
You Might Also Like
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Tastes like chicken.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’