manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me