I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Cheers Twitter.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”