I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
You Might Also Like
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.