Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.