THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
just pretend nothing happened
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
live long and prosper!
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
twitter users today:
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.