My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.