Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren鈥檛 able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Man Who Didn鈥檛 Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Her: what are you into
Me: pok茅mon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn鈥檛 do jail
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!