Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
3% human
97% stress
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.