What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
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Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
This chloroform smells expensiv…
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
We avoided this particular disaster
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you