I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Simple enough.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.