If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice