If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…