*weighs self after shaving
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.