5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
You Might Also Like
three things we don’t talk about
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!