[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.