Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD