I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons