It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up