[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”