Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on