What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]