the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
You Might Also Like
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging