Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me, in DM rooms…
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“i miss shittin on people”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.