Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
me when i see my girls butt
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Stop.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where