Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.