My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.