So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Chicken bread
Follow me for more life hacks.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.