I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
When you kidnap a writer.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
good morning
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans