Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.