If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.