Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Meow
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did