I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.