HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa