I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?