Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
found my next D&D character name
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.